WELCOME TO ALL NEW READERS

I have been overwhelmed (in a good way) by the huge increase in followers and page hits in the last few days, presumably because of Edinburgh book festival activity. The downside to this is that, because I'm not even halfway through my events yet, I am getting behind on replying to your comments and also to the many lovely emails you've sent me.

Be patient - I will be back! Of course, I haven't physically gone away, but I am not at my desk enough to reply at the moment. I tend to read your messages on my iphone while reclining on carpeted sofas in the famous Yurt, but then someone comes along and I get talking and never manage to reply. (Want to see pics of said Yurt? See here.)

Just to give you a sense of what's to come:

• tomorrow, (Sat 22nd Aug) I'll be posting the results of the covering letter competition and you'll get the Definitive Guide to Covering letters. This will happen while I am giving a workshop at the book festival on "The Perfect Approach", and I know that some of you will be there. Hello in advance!
  
• on Mon 24th, I have a fairly trenchant Pointy Thought for you
• and crabbit old bat will be going into full rant mode about something that Really Bugs Me. Not sure when but as soon as possible. It's something I need to get off my chest and which I know most of you will agree with but some may not ...
• we need a Submission Spotlight soon - do keep your entries coming. There's no deadline for these - I just put one up every now and then. If you've already sent me one and I haven't used it, DON'T take this as a rejection or criticism. It's not a sign of anything at all except that there was one that I thought would work better on public display than yours. And I may use it yet anyway. (See here for the rules.)
  

Meanwhile, keep writing and keep reading. And I'm back to the Yurt today, but NOT doing any events - hooray for a day off and the sun's shining! - just some meetings with lovely people, including coffee with my great friend Lindsey Fraser (Fraser Ross Associates, lit agents), to tell her all about the fascinating dinner I had last night with the Minister for Culture and some seriously famous authors - I kept looking round and thinking, How did this happen? When you think how long it took me to get published, how many years of failure I had to endure, and I end up in this company, in the same week that I hosted a huge party with guests like Margaret Drabble, James Naughtie, Ian Rankin and many many others - you should take heart: there's hope for everyone!

Luckily, I have enough fabulous shoes to cope with all these sparkly eventualities. Yesterday was the turn of the turquoise boots.

WRITING FOR TEENAGERS

I did a talk at the Edinburgh Book Festival today about writing for teenagers and I promised** the participants that I'd put a fuller version of my notes here on my blog. Of course, devoted as I am to you all, I have not actually rushed back from Charlotte Square to do this - by the wonders of modern technology and forward-planning, I scheduled this post back when I wrote my notes. God, I'm clever. (PS - and, unlike other times, blogger graciously allowed me to do this.)

(** Actually, I forgot to promise this. But the intention was there.)

Anyway. Here's what I planned to say. Of course, it may have come out quite differently, since I tend to ignore my notes. Also, because my actual notes are just bullet-points, I have fleshed them out and turned them into sense. In fact, frankly, these are not really my notes at all. These are simply the words I imagine I might say if things go according to plan.

(Vivian French will have spoken before me, about writing for older children, ie 9-11s. I have no doubt she was brilliant - she's written enough books for kids of all ages and no one knows more than her.)

WRITING FOR TEENAGERS
The best way to understand how to write for them is to understand who they are. And who they are as readers. (Yes, they do read! In fact, those who read do so avidly and deeply, and want as wide a range of books as adults do.) Some successful authors say they don't particularly need to think about their readers when they write - Tim Bowler is a great example. He seems to have the perfect voice and interest-level for teenagers, without thinking about it. I suspect with him that it's all subconscious, and actually he's a big kid himself (he's a friend, so I can say that) so it comes naturally.

But the reason I think it's important is that, as the writer, you must know exactly what your teenage character would do /think / feel, otherwise you risk your story not ringing true. And teenagers can spot things that don't ring true a mile off - and will tell you about them. Ruthlessly.

ABOUT TEENAGERS:
Not children, not adults - so books are different from children's and adults'

• How are they different from children (and therefore books are different from children’s books)
  

1. Teenagers are (and should be) less protected - so we can’t pretend the world is rosy
2. They are interested in different things - different things affect, worry, intrigue them, especially the things they may have to deal with now or soon
   
3. They have a need for risk-taking / need to break rules - including reading books their parents don't like!
   
4. They hate moral messages, hate to be preached at
5. They can spot middle-aged voice - esp a m-aged voice pretending to be teenage

• How different from adults (and therefore adult books)

1. Teenagers are less patient, less forgiving of waffle; story must get straight to the point
   
2. They have some different interests (eg don't care about menopause/surviving on pension). remember that we have been teeangers and so are more naturally interested in them than they are in us
   
3. Teenage viewpoint essential to main character - and this MUST be an actual teenage viewpoint, not that of an adult looking back and remembering being a teenager
   

MUST CONSIDER THE GATE-KEEPERS - adults who buy the books and who choose what gets published and what goes in the shops / schools / libraries.

I believe anyone should read any book, whatever their age, but this is a genre, and you have to know the rules for that genre. There are boundaries you can’t cross, but it's hard to pin them down - you just know when you crossed them. If you're unpublished, it's your crossing of the boundaries which may raise alarm bells with an agent/editor that you don't know the market.

• Eg Deathwatch - this was always going to be about a stalker but I needed to nail right from the start that this was not paedophilia and had no sexual connotations at all.
  
• Eg my current planned WIP - about a celebrity-obsessed girl: I'm having trouble with the potential outcome because if she comes a cropper then the story is too trite and moral, but if (as I want) she gives two fingers to everyone's boring opinions, where’s my moral stance? I'm trying to find a way to be radical yet get past the gate-keepers. PS - I've now moved on a long way from this potential WIP and it's all completely different from how I started out.
  
• So, nothing can be gratuitous. Violence needs a context, a moral position; certain topics would be very hard to handle** - eg incest, paedophilia.
• Where you show any characters using eg violence or drug-taking, the outcome for those characters would need to be carefully handled.
• Certain elements may make your book regarded as a no-go by schools: Eg guns, swearing, sex, drugs - yet these are all topics are of interest to teenagers and therefore legitimately covered - but beware.

Extra point about these boundaries - the fact that a topic is hard to handle (eg incest /paedophilia) does not mean you can't handle it. It means you have to know exactly what you're doing. Read Tender Morsels by Margo Lanagan if you want to see what I mean! It is (in my view) utterly brilliant. It's the work of a phenomenal imagination and brilliantly handled.

The real point to hang onto is that everything has to be about the story. So, you don't write "about" eg violence - you tell a story, and if violence has to be in it, then it has to be in it. But the reader should never think you simply set out to ram violence at them to shock them.

THE SAFETY NET FACTOR - this is my little analogy to define a difference between writing for young children, older children, teenagers and adults;

• young children - barely any need for a safety-net , as you know nothing bad will happen. Safety-net more like soft-play ball-park
• older children - safety-net there: reader knows that even though it feels scary, nothing terrible will happen even if it seems as though it might as you slip off the rope
• teenagers - no visible safety-net: the reader feels that something terrible could happen. But, in fact, the safety-net is there because, even if the reader doesn't know it, the author cares. hope will not be destroyed.
• adults - no safety-net necessary, especially in some genres. The reader knows that anything could happen.

The skill of writing for teenagers is keeping the safety-net invisible.

SUGGESTED ROLE MODELS - because you MUST read the best in current successful fiction

• for the dark, deep and dangerous side: Kevin Brooks, Keith Gray, Catherine Forde
• two books that handle dangerous topics but get away with it because of the writers' skill: Looking for JJ (Anne Cassidy), Killing God (Kevin Brooks)
  
• gripping and fast: Ally Kennen, Catherine MacPhail
• fab for girls: Cathy Cassidy
• the epitome of boundary-breaking - Tender Morsels by Margo Lanagan
  

TIPS:

• Every sentence has one aim: to stop them going off to listen to their ipods
• Never sound like an adult telling them a story
• Never sound like an adult pretending to be a teenager telling them a story
• Avoid teenspeak - a) it'll be out of fashion next year and b) teenagers will laugh you out of town
  
• Get the practical details of teen life spot-on - account for mobile phones / internet etc
• Never preach or patronise
  
• Keep that safety-net invisible
• Get rid of the parents

That's it! No idea how I'm going to round it off but I've got some time yet ...

And do check out how I Define A Teenage Novel here and finally some Common Mistakes When Writing For Teenagers.

HOW TO MAKE A PUBLISHER SAY YES

This evening, in the Edinburgh Book Fest, I'm doing my talk on "how to make a publisher say yes". And I decided to put the bare bones of it below, or at least to try to decipher my notes and then turn them into something that will make sense to you.

I've done the apparently same talk for four years now, but each time I say it differently. Each time, I guess I've learnt more in the meantime. Each year, I throw my notes away because I know I'll do it differently next time.

So, this was how I structured my talk for this evening. I'm sorry you're not there, but you at least have the luxury of being able to relax with wine / chocolate while you're reading it. On the other hand, you don't get to experience my shoes. And, writing this as I am a week ago, I can't predict which shoes they'll be, so spontaneous am I.

WHY DOES CRAP GET PUBLISHED? (I won't use the word crap, because you can't do that in front of a captive audience, some of whom have only come in out of the rain and weren't expect the crabbit old bat to be so rude).

This is the question that frustrated aspiring authors ask. Understandably. The answer is simple: crap sells. Every published book is a book the publisher thought would sell. And, since crap sells in shedloads, you have to admit they were very often right.

Getting angry about why crap sells will get you nowhere. Besides, you're not here because you write crap and want to sell it. You're here because you think you've written something damned good and you're wondering what on earth you have to do to sell it.

I can't (or not here) teach you how to write, but I can show you the most common things people do wrong.

TWO COMFORTING THOUGHTS
The awfulness of the slush pile is reassuring - it means that good stuff shines. When an agent or publisher sees a jewel in a pile of crap, he will leap on it with enthusiasm and is quite happy to get his hands dirty in his efforts to retrieve that shiny jewel and clean it up so that the world can see its beauty.

Because the second comforting thought is: publishers and agents are desperate to find good books, great books, books that readers will love. If your book is good, they want you.

A SLIGHTLY COMFORTING THOUGHT
It's easy to get published: you just have to write the right book at the right time and send it to the right publisher at ther ight time in the right way.

BUT, in order to do that

• you must understand what makes a right book
• you must understand how publishing works, how commercial decisions are made
• you must know (and obey) the rules for submitting your work
• 
  

TO THE POINT
"How to make a publisher say yes" is not the best question.
The best question is "why do publishers usually say no?"

WHY DO THEY SAY NO?
One reason only: they think they can't sell it. (If your rejected book goes on to be published elsewhere and even be a huge success, that does not mean that the rejectors were wrong. They may well not have been able to sell it, for reasons which you'll find below.)

Before we proceed, you need to understand about the ACQUISITIONS MEETING (AM). (Blog-readers, go here; people in audience, sit back and listen.)

REASONS TO SAY NO
These fall in two categories.

1. Publisher-related - not in your power to fix
2. Book / author-related - your job to fix

1. PUBLISHER-RELATED (If even one of these three things applies to your book, it will not get through the AM.

1. book doesn't fit their list or their publishing schedule is genuinely too full. It might not fit their list because they've already contracted something too similar; or they've decided not to handle fairy books any more (thank the Lord). If it doesn't fit the list because they don't handle this stuff, that's your silly fault for not researching, but there are many other reasons that you had no way of knowing
2. the necessary investment is too great. Publishers have to pay a load of money months and years before they have a chance of recouping it. They have to budget and if your fabulous wizard series comes along when they don't have the required budget to invest in it over many years, they should not take it on and you would not (should not) want them too
3. the editor is not in love with your book. This may be because the book isn't good enough (in which case it's your problem) but it may be simply personal taste. Don't underestimate the importance of that. Liking or admiring a book is not an exact science. Hell, it's not even a science at all. And the editor must love your book otherwise she/he won't fight for it.

2. BOOK / AUTHOR-RELATED

1. The writing is not good enough - punctuation, grammar and basic techniques mark you as someone in control of words or not; you cannot expect the editor to overlook these; voice, pace and structure are essential to powerful story-telling and readable non-fiction; are you thinking of your reader at all times and have you avoided over-writing? (Those are the commonest faults which will make the publisher / agent say no)
2. Book is not marketable, even though the writing may be good enough - publishers have to make money (they may make mistakes but they are doing it with their money); you need a HOOK - the hook needs to grab the Sales and Marketing team at the AM; you must understand the current market - read current successes in your genre and read them analytically. This does not mean selling out; it does not mean putting commericality before art: it means thinking of your readers
3. Your submission is faulty - (there are loads of posts on this blog about submissions, so I won't go on about it here too much but here are the absolute bare bones and most common errors:

• obey guidelines for each individual agent / publisher
• write the perfect covering letter (a new post is coming up on 22nd August, during my workshop on The Perfect Approach) - you have 15 seconds to sell yourself
• don't do anything wacky or cool
• don't boast; don't say your kids / friends love it
• show knowledge of the market and willingness to work hard for long term career

TOP TIPS

1. every sentence counts and every word within that sentence must earn its place
2. think of your reader
3. read within your genre - but read like a writer
4. miss no opportunity to improve your knowledge of the industry
5. be very careful whose feedback you believe and whose you ignore. Believe experts before friends and writing group members

MOST TOP OF TOP TIPS
Instead of believing that you are hard-done-by and wrongly ignored or that publishers are stupid, accept that the likely reason is that you haven't yet written the right book well enough. Yet ...

FINALLY - regard the rejection of your book as the rejection of your book. Not the rejection of you. Write another one. Because if you can't write another one, you can't be a writer anyway.

(And then, after illuminating questions from the audience, the event chairperson thanks me for being so interesting and everyone flocks to the signing tent where they buy copious quantities of my book and we staying signing and chatting and generally bonding for about half an hour. Then, the chairperson escorts me across the summer evening grass towards the calming cavern of the Yurt, where I strengthen myself with a glass of wine and some dinky sandwiches and pastries. I then go out to dinner with my husband, older daughter and her French boyfriend and younger daughter who is working in the bookshop [putting my books face-out] and I tell them how a very kind blog-reader brought me chocolate and that three people commented on my shoes.)

I'll tell you if it happens like that.

POINTY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: 3 - SANITY (and book fest pics)

Continuing in my series of Pointy Thoughts, I bring you a thought of extreme importance. This has been engendered by correspondence from an agent friend of mine.

It is simple: do not submit any work to an agent or publisher when you are high on hallucinatory drugs. Ever.

That is the only explanation for the extraordinary example of mania that an agent has shown me.

No, let me be fair. I am going to think about this more carefully. There are some other feasible explanations, and I offer them all to you here:

• the writer was in the grips of a quasi-religious seizure - this could be the right explanation, as it did contain references to the notion that God had called him to a writing career. Well, I think it did, but it was a bit hard to make sense of. God did come into it anyway. (And please don't tell me God comes into everything and that God is everywhere. God was definitely not with this guy when he wrote the letter, unless He wished to knacker the guy's career before it started. Which is actually not a bad idea. So, maybe it was a religious seizure...)
  
• the writer was at a particularly difficult and intransigent stage of severe mental illness. Now, this I am very sympathetic to (not through personal experience, but through general human sympathy) and such situations are very tragic. However, this is really not the time to submit work to an agent. Or anyone at all.
• a mad axe-man had burst into the writer's garret and was threatening to cut his head off unless the writer submitted the work right NOW and under conditions of extreme stress.
  

There are no other explanations.

People, submit your work when sober, clean and stable. Do it only of your own volition, not because forced to by either God or an axe-man.

And now, unconnectedly, I bring you some photos of the first couple of days of the Edinburgh Book Fest, including, by popular demand, some never-yet-seen photos of The Yurt.

Day One and Two of the festival, and the sun shines. See!

Now (below) we approach that glory of glories, the Yurt. First, the peaceful bit outside, with authors relaxing in the sun:



And here the entrance, which is deceptive, revealing none of its hidden mysteries.

In the background is the Press Pod.

Below is the entrance again, at a busy time, with Roland, the programme manager, looking important. Which he is. He looks as though he's smoking a pipe, but of course he's not: he's saying "over and out", or something equally technical, into his radio thing.


Here is the hospitality table, with, remarkably, no one there.

The roof of the Yurt, which never leaks.


And the carpet of the Yurt, with some rather fetching shoes.

The children's book tent

A shelf of my books, the non-fiction ones. Sadly, I could not photograph my daughter's handiwork in giving me prominence in the fiction section, because there were too many people in the way. What nuisances readers are.



And the tail end of some party or other - can't remember which. They blur ...


And just to show you that the sun always shines on my blog: Not a drop of rain or gust of wind have we had. Trust me, I'm a novelist.

THE EDINBURGH BOOK FESTIVAL IS NIGHISH

This must either be the height of laziness or else a supreme example of good time-management skills. I am linking to a post of my own, over on my other blog, Ghostlygalleon, which is where I go to say things that have no bearing at all on the art/skill/desperation of becoming published. Yes, I do occasionally say things that fall into this category. I know you think I live and breathe only to satisfy you, but I occasionally don't.

I do, in fact, have a life.

Not that you'd know it from that particular Ghostlygalleon post. But it explains why over the next month I will be less than usually coherent or pointful. I will regularly be full of chocolate, more than occasionally displaying signs of having had a glass or two, frequently not know what on earth I'm doing, often pretending to recognise the person who is speaking to me, but mostly having a stimulating and glorious time in the eternal sunshine of the Edinburgh Book Festival. Sometimes my feet will be silently sore from having been squeezed into gorgeous shoes. Sometimes I will wish I hadn't walked into the Yurt. (See the afore-mentioned post if you don't know what the Yurt is.) Sometimes my self-esteem will be bruised from having had someone say something crap to me. Or mollified by someone saying something unreasonably flattering. Sometimes, I will be buoyed up by seeing someone buy one of my books (because I will be hiding behind a pillar waiting for this to happen, and will then leap on them and threaten to sign it quickly in case they are thinking of changing their minds.)

Please come. Please speak to me. Please, if possible, say something nice. You don't have to give me chocolate - I'm much cheaper than that.

DO YOU NEED TO GET OUT MORE?

I know I do. I know this somewhere deep inside, but I forget it when I'm overwhelmed by deadlines. Because things like going for walks seem like luxuries when you're really busy. Which I am: coming up to Edinburgh Book Festival madness, with six* talks to prepare from scratch, two events to chair, an AGM to plan and chair; and I'm organising a hot-ticket party for 200 in one of the festival marquees - and yesterday I was called for jury service. For August. Oh. My. God. A breakdown looms. Or jail, if they don't let me off.

(* thought it was five but realised I'd not put one in my diary)

But all that pales into insignificance when you're trying to get a novel started. As I am. Desperately, because it would have been so great to have the first chapter written before August came and then it could mull away in my brain and I'd be ready to leap back in in September. But it's not working. The voice isn't coming. Why? Because I'm simply not ready. I haven't had enough time (or the right sort of time) to let the characters, particularly the main one whose voice it will mostly be, grow inside me and begin to talk.

Thing is - and here's my learning point for this post - you should never write until your characters are clamouring to get out of your head, till they're pestering you day and night, rattling their cage, till they start to force your hands to move over the keyboards, till, in short, they absolutely demand that their voices are heard.

In fact, Howard Nemerov said that writing was like the relationship with your bowels (stay with me): "First you can, then you can't, finally you must: only then should you reach for the paper ..."

I've talked about voice before - see here. Voice is not something you can order about. Voice has to come somewhat mysteriously, at least partially of its own accord. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not. But you have to get it right and you have to nurture it very, very subtly, in a hands-off kind of way - though with utter ruthless control, too. If you don't get it right, your fabulous plot is stuffed. To be honest, in my case I don't have a fabulous plot either, but that's because for me voice comes first, plot follows; because the plot depends on the characters' actions and the characters' actions depend on their voice and the book's voice. I know, you'd think it was the other way round - but think about it, play with it, and see what happens to your relationship with your book when you do. Does it become more real?

So, what's this got to do with getting out more? In the words of my favourite film**, a lot.

I've noticed for a long time that different environments make me more or less creative. You've probably noticed the same. It's not surprising or rocket science. But there is some science behind it. This article in Sciam Mind is pretty eye-opening: it suggests that we are more creative in rooms with higher ceilings, for example. The article mentions research in which two groups of people were given a task. One group was in a room with an 8-foot ceiling and the other was in a room with a 10-foot ceiling. The second group came up with more abstract, imaginative and creative ideas.

In terms of ceilings, what greater ceiling can you have than the sky? I know that when my writing is stuck the only answer is to go for a walk, not to stay at my desk. "Environmental psychology" now explains it. And there's even a word for the tendency of people to work better when they can at least see a natural scene instead of a brick wall - biophilia. Love it! I am a biophiliac, not a drifter who keeps going outside instead of "working".

So, since I'm throughly blocked, writing-wise, I'm going to take Nemerov's advice and not reach for the paper yet. I'm going to get out, outside, out of my study, out of myself, into the biggest ceiling I know. I know from experience, and therefore have to trust, that this will work - ideas will come when I give them space. I'm going to stop trying to force this character to speak before she's ready; she must grow slowly, and one day, soon probably, she'll hit me between the eyes with her power and reality; she'll start yelling to be heard.

I just hope I'm not in the middle of doing an event when she does it. Pretty high ceilings those book festival tents have ...

Meanwhile, here's a picture of my husband (the one on the left) "standing and staring" beside a statue. The plaque in front of them is the first verse of that fab poem by William Henry Davies, titled Leisure. Obviously, I can't print it all here, or I'd be breaking the laws of copyright (by one year ...) but I think that "fair use" allows me to quote the first two lines:

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?

Of course, if I were to be imprisoned for not doing jury service, I may have quite a lot of time to stand and stare. Mind you, I could get a great novel written.

** Pay attention at the back: Life of Brian. Could it be any other?

And while you're still with me, and talking about getting out more, I thought I'd show you this photo of the results of my minor gardening escapade during which I created an "alittlement" some weeks ago. These are the beans growing in two pots. Jack, where are you?

And finally, after writing this blog post, I decided I would practise what I was preaching and get out. So I did, and all the way up to my favourite hill in Edinburgh I walked. Considering I live in the middle of a city and it only took me twenty minutes to walk here, I think it's pretty inspirational for a writer to have that on her doorstep. No excuses for crappy writing, I'd say. The shot at the end is Edinburgh Castle - which you need me to tell you, as you'd never guess. I suggest you play it with your sound off - it's damned windy today (which is why I am wobbling a lot).

EIBF - BOOKING HAS OPENED!!

A reminder about the Edinburgh International Book Festival - booking opened yesterday and some events are sold out. Workshops tend to go very quickly because they are so small, and, indeed, my workshop on The Perfect Approach is fully booked.

BUT, there are plenty of bigger events and the vast majority have lots of places available. Many won't sell out but some will. So, DO book your places without delay.

I am doing several larger events of interest to aspiring and up-and-coming authors - "How to Make a Publisher Say Yes" (covering everything from the writing of the book, to submitting it, and what sort of things publishers/agents want), "Fight For Your Rights" (essential for writers at all stages; and I have got Lorraine Fannin, ex chief-exec of Publishing Scotland and guru on Intellectual Property Rights/Copyright/foreign rights, to be in the audience and answer the stuff she knows more than me about), and "Writing for Older Children" (jointly with Viv French).

Then I'm on a panel called "Getting Published" too.

I'm also chairing a couple of events - "Writing in a Recession" (Mark Le Fanu, Gen Sec of the SoA, is the brilliantly knowledgable speaker ) and the "Monkeys and Type-writers" one, about how/whether we can learn to write. I'd love it if you came to these and asked lots of piercing questions. It's horrible when not enough people come - then the speakers think no one like them, and we are sensitive souls. (You should see the mutual comforting that goes on in the Authors' Yurt afterwards ... Helped along by the free booze.)

Please let me know if any of you are coming to any of those events - I'd love to see you! And I am still contemplating having a blog picnic ... You interested?

EDINBURGH INTERNATIONAL BOOK FESTIVAL IS ON ITS WAY

Now that I have just been to the press launch - yay for sparkly wine in the morning - for the Edinburgh International Book Festival (sorry, got to do the whole name thing - corporate branding etceterydah), I can bring you more detailed news than the sketchy things I said in a recent post. (Don't bother going to find it: I'm going to paste the relevant bits here. Apologies to myself for plagiarism.)

The events below are aimed specifically at writers, published or unpublished. The whole programme is now live on the website, but you can't book till June 22nd. If you are incredibly lucky when you phone, you will get to speak to my younger daughter, Rebecca, who is in the booking office for the weekend. Do say hello to her but please don't confuse her because it's hectic there on opening weekend and I do not want you to be responsible for her cocking up the whole shebang. You could also ask her if she's going to be back in time for supper and why she hasn't brought her dirty mugs downstairs.

These are not all the writer-related events available - they are just the ones I have a connection with, either because I'm involved in them or because I helped arrange them. They fall within a strand called the Writing Business and are designed to be very practical. A workshop is 1.5 hours; the others are talks which till focus on the practicalities of the topic, and last one hour.

Most of the authors involved have websites and you might even be able to contact them like that. Why don't you drop them a line, tell them you're coming and ask what they're going to talk about? (If they haven't prepared anything yet, tell them Nicola Morgan says hurry up, f'crying out loud - don't they know there's only two months to go??)

Sat 15 Aug - 2pm - How to make a living as a writer (workshop) - Keith Charters

Sun 16 Aug - 11am - Writing non-fiction (workshop) - Angus Konstam

Sun 16 Aug - 2pm - Self-publishing (workshop) - Keith Charters

Mon 17 Aug - 11am - Writing crime fiction (workshop) - Lin Anderson

Mon 17 Aug - 6.45pm - Writing in a Recession - Mark Le Fanu (Gen Sec of SoA), chaired by me - please come to this: Mark is so knowledgable and has all the gen on exactly how UK authors are being affected by the recession and what publishers are doing.

Mon 17 Aug - 2pm - Contracts workshop (workshop) - SoA staff (real experts!)

Tue 18 Aug - 2pm - How to Market Yourself - Alison Baverstock

Tue 18 Aug - 4.30pm - How to structure a story - Lin Anderson

Wed 19 Aug - 4.30pm - The Art of Blogging - Caroline Dunford and Helen Fowler

Wed 19 Aug - 6.45pm - How to make a publisher say Yes - Nicola Morgan

Thurs 20 Aug - 4.30pm - Writing for children and teenagers - Viv French and me

Fri 21 Aug - 2pm - Writing fantasy - Alan Campbell

Sat 22 Aug - 2pm - The Perfect Approach (was meant to be called The Perfect Submission ...) (workshop) - Nicola Morgan

Mon 24 Aug - 2pm - Getting Published panel - Frances Bickmore, Maggie McKernan and rather annoyingly, me. Only annoyingly because I was asked to be on this panel and accepted without knowing what the topic was, and now I find it's the same as the "How To Make A Publisher Say Yes" one I'm doing on my own ....

Tue 25 Aug - 11am - Getting Creative (workshop) - Caroline Dunford

Tue 25 Aug - 6.45pm - Monkeys and Type-writers: can you learn to write and if so how? - Sam Kelly, Lin Anderson, Caroline Dunford, chaired by me

Wed 26 Aug - 11am - Dealing with rejection (workshop) - Caroline Dunford

Wed 26 Aug - 2pm - Writing for teenagers (workshop) - Keith Gray

Wed 26 Aug - 6.45pm - Self-publishing - Keith Charters

Thur 27 Aug - 6pm - Fight for Your Rights - Nicola Morgan

Fri 28 Aug - 11am - Writing short stories (workshop) - Susie Maguire

Fri 28 Aug - 2pm - Writing for young children (workshop) - Linda Strachan

Sat 29 Aug - 2pm - Creating a crime series - Aline Templeton

Mon 31 Aug - 11am - Writing biography (workshop) - Angus Konstam

Mon 31 Aug - 2pm - Writing romance (workshop) - Eileen Ramsay

Even if you can't come to an event, do come to the book festival. I am there most days and would love to meet you. Know me by my shoes, as usual (except when it's raining). The book festival have got rain down to a fine art - last time there were plastic ducks on the accidental ponds and the sculptures depicted sheds and things semi-submerged in mud. And ice-cream still rocks in the rain.

Today, as I write this, it's sunny, and I'm thinking we should have a blog picnic. Would you come? I have organised a picnic in the book festival for the last three years and every year it has rained; on the other hand, every year I have blagged a marquee. Yay for bribery.

Here is a fab pic that Tim Duncan has sent me of the above-mentioned ducks. Is that a hippo lurking?